What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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