my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
