You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
