My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I touched a dick in church today
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