I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We left an ass print on the piano.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just had sex on a roof
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
