I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
