right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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