come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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