he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
