so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
