I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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