I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
