Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
