apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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