I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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