I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think my vagina is haunted
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think my moral compass just broke
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
