my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize