so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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