the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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