Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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