I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
