I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
