why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
