I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
