So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize