Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
