if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
