I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
