I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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