That's intense
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
