Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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