Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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