These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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