____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
