i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
