apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
