I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
