i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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