i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
