Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
