By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Nicole vs. Life
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize