I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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