someone threw a dead crab at me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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