There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
