I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
