3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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