Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
