A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
