apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize