why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
