How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
