god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I touched a dick in church today
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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