People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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