you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
