Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
