I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
