We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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