got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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