Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
