I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
