I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
