You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
