is your mom at the bar?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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