Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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