um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
