I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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